I curl myself into a ball these days,. As i lay on my bed. I am trying to forget everything i know, especially the pain I’ve learnt to hide with a smile.
Today, today was a tough day for me, so was yesterday and the day before that. To be honest, this whole month has been a gloomy one.
I’ve learnt to musk the scent of defeat with that of alcohol, sex and cigarettes. It’s worked for a few hours, before that dreading odour comes back to my nose.
Today, today i was unable to get out of bed, yesterday too. I’ve called in sick these last 2 days. I lied i came up with a flu then a stomach bug. It’s been easy to get away with it, because it’s unlike me to call in sick.
I haven’t had a shower in 4 days, I’ve smoked close to two packets of cigarettes, I’ve drunk almost 3 bottles of cheap vodka. Vodka i send my caretaker to buy for me.
I haven’t been answering my phone, haven’t been replying to texts unless it’s someone from the office and they need clarification on one or two things.
This past month, ive had alot of sex. Sex with multiple people. Some i hardly remember their names, let alone their faces.
I have met strangers in bars, I’ve laughed with them, we exchanged a few orgasms, and a few lies here and there.
Today, a good friend came to my house, after noticing how absent I’ve been. She opened my curtains cleaned my dishes, and forced me to take a shower. She didn’t ask questions. She cooked me chapati and beans and told me to eat.
I wanted to tell her how sad I’ve been feeling, how getting out of bed is hard, how talking with strangers is easy, how everything is not adding up. How I’ve had lots of orgasms and later feeling shitty with my self.
I kept silent, because i thought she wouldn’t understand. How could she? She is happy, always smiling, she has a fantastic lover, and she always has all the answers.
I force a spoonfull of beans down my throat, i give her a side glance, i see her holding her face between the palms of her hands.
“You know i love you, you know you are magic? I have been feeling you are drifting, please don’t face life alone”
I go on telling her she won’t understand. That even i myself don’t understand my feelings and emotions.
She hugs me. I feel something, something that i can’t explain with words.
Please talk with someone, she gives me a number i can call. Someone who will understand and help you understand.