Hurt me once more

Some days are hard… Days you call him endlessly and he doesn’t pick your call, only for him to call you hours later for a meet up.

I’ll call him James, in this case James sounds like a guy I’d fall for…

I liked James “read this in the past”. James is everything you’d wish for in a mate. The physical included: tall light-skinned not too light to be your average fuck boy, but light enough to look good in a selfie with poor lighting.

James loves the theaters and he paints. James has a day job as a lawyer, but always creates time to have a meal with you, whether lunch or dinner, once in a while he will plan a breakfast meeting with you, cause you are too busy doing your MBA or that short course that will make you climb the cooperate ladder.

James will randomly send you flowers or chocolates. James looks like a potential husband.
Not just someone you will randomly have steamy sex and tell your buddies about it.
James is spontaneous, “let us drive down to naivasha”, something you’d say in the morning and that afternoon he will pick you up.

Remember when I told you I called James call after call and him not picking up…
That’s where this begins.

So I call James, and after a few missed calls and texts asking if he got home well and if we can catch up later on go unanswered, I get worried that maybe something happened to him on his way home. I start panicking and decide to reach out to his friends but no one is picking, the decent ones send me a message asking me to text them.

After what seems like a decade, he calls you back saying he has had a long tiring day, but he would love if we meet up for a drink at the local.

You walk into the bar and find it so full. You text him, telling him that the local is extremely full and that you two should meet elsewhere. He texts back and says he is a few minutes away. You find a sit and call the lady that usually serves the both of you. As she brings your order she smiles “ata wewe umekuja sherehe, lakini hawa wanaume wanapenda kutuchezea”

30 minutes in, you text him again asking him what is taking him so long, he says an emergency came up and that you should be patient cause he has something that he needs to tell you urgently.

Nini inaendelea hapa?” you ask the waiter as she brings your third glass of wine.

“Ni after party ya arusi, ule rafiki yako anafanya harusi, Kwani hujui?” she asks.

I ask her which friend of mine she is talking about and she goes on to describe my James the James that I had said is the perfect mate.

I am filled with shame and confusion not even anger.

I turn my gaze towards the entrance of the club and I see his best friend, walking in a woman by his side. He smiles and waves but doesn’t come to say hi. Soon after someone starts speaking on the microphone, I hardly hear what they say I just hear these words on repeat “newest couple in town walking in Mr. and Mrs. Ndirangu”

I stand wanting to walk out and I see him, my James, a lady by his side the lady he introduced as his cousin the day I passed by his place unexpectedly.

My mind goes back to that day, how when I rang the bell to his house, this lady came opened smiled and asked who I was there to see. I remember telling her James, with a smile she walked away and shortly James comes outside tells me how the cousin has been occupying his space.

He invites me into the house, suggests that we should go hang out somewhere else as he has seen a lot of his cousin. He goes to the bedroom changes into some jeans and a t-shirt calls, “wanjiru” the cousin and says that he has gone with the friend “me” for a few drinks he should be back in an hour or so. She smiles at us and we leave.

I wish I added things that day because as soon as we had reached the bar, he quickly made an excuse to go back home, if only that day I wasn’t blinded then maybe just maybe…

He notices me; he waves a shy kind of wave. You see his face; he no longer looks as handsome as you thought. You see remorse mixed with pain on his face. He sits a few tables from yours, where they had had reserved seating.

You call the waiter and ask her to bring you the bill. You choke as you speak to her you want to cry, this time round you are not angry, you are just disappointed once more with yourself, that you trusted too much too early. Your eyes are burning, your heart has stopped beating everything has lost color, you can’t make sense of the music playing, you can’t seem to notice anyone else, you allow yourself to let out the tears; the first one is hot, too hot it burns your cheek you feel someone tap your shoulders there he is standing,

“I have a lot to tell you, just give me a minute or two, please join me outside… you will understand why…”

2 Comments Add yours

  1. Dee N says:

    You deserve love!

    This has broken me, I am teary, I am sad for you. How dare he.

    You have been MIA, I thought you’d found him

    The fact that you shared this, says slot, you have found healing, and love and a man will find you soon. He will be beautiful indife snd out. Maybe not a painter, but he will not hurt you.



    1. Junglegarl says:

      Love is perfection, and nothing just comes out of the blues, it is a process and beautiful things take time.

      Love and light💕


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