“My life has been a lie!”
How I ended up in her house and in her bed. I still can’t explain.
“My life has been a lie”; she is touching the folds on my tummy. She suddenly stops and sits on the edge of the bed, her back facing me.
She got the tattoo we had said we would get together, something close to a butterfly, it would symbolize freedom! A freedom we so deeply seek.
“My life is a lie”, she whispers her face between the palms of her hands. Then she goes silent!
I break the silence by telling her about him, the last time I saw him, after that time we had tea at that tea shop, the first time. I feel a hot sensation on my face. I touch my face, it is wet. I try not to choke on my own words, they are hurtful and the thought of them makes me break, break into pieces, a million pieces.
I tell her of how I had allowed myself to be naked in front of him, after knowing him for close to five years, I had never gotten to tell him anything about my feelings… and this one time, because I wanted some form of assuarity I lay all my feelings in front of him.
“That night after having a cozy meal with him, I stripped myself naked; lay my soul in front of him. I told him of how I loved him, how our bodies synchronized how his moans would rhyme with my screams how our breathes complimented each other, how well I fitted under his embrace, how well he had known all the crevices of my body and I his, of how well, he made the butterflies in my tummy dance in excitement just at the thought of him, of how I’d hope time would create the perfect moment and allows us to be, two individuals in love, in a bubble, in a place where happy after, was not just an ending in a story book but a reality! I remember telling him, of how I’d want him to be a part of my dream and in his silence, looked in his eyes and there saw a bit of heaven and told him of how perfect his eyes and flat face made my world a better place!”
I remember him putting a hand over my mouth to shush me from the dreamy words that were coming out of my mouth, I remember him placing his lips on mine and giving me a gentle kiss as he stood from the bed and asked me how much I had drunk!
I remember feeling his words cutting each piece of me, from my skin to my soul and each and every bit of me! “The sex is great!! We have great sex, wild sex, and crazy sex! Sex I never thought ‘id get anywhere else but with you! But all this, that you are talking about today this is not us, not me and you! Yes me and you can visit heaven after we climax, but that’s it, baby girl I thought you knew this, the reason we have lasted this; long is because the sex is great and you never have crazy demands!
I go ahead and tell her how I cursed the heavens, how I blamed my mother for birthing me, how I hated my father, for fathering me!! I told her of how I thought of God to be selfish when he took away the gift that I would have called mine, a gift that had a part of him. I tell her of the nights I cried to God asking him to give me another chance to love a fresh. I tell her of how I cursed that fateful night, the night I moaned in pleasure as his seed planted itself in me! Of how I blamed that night, the night I danced in pain, the night I called upon the virgin Mary, the twelve disciples by name, for them to ease the pain, for them to not allow me see death! I tell her of how I hated death, of how it spared my life, but took away that of the fruit, the fruit I thought was of love!
I tell her of how after that conversation I found myself in a strip club, of how I had seeked solace between sheets of how I woke up naked in bed with Lurkie and Mark. Of how that morning I was covered with shame and disgust! Indeed I was only an object to all, a sexual object!
I laugh as I look at her, “see, it happens again! Me and you, and from the look of this, you regret it! Ashamed to look at me!” I tell her.
She looks at me…
I can see pain on her face, if it is not regret!!
“I am sorry I sucked you in,” I say
“Do you regret this?” I ask.
Do you feel sad, you betrayed the man you will call husband?
She looks at me, her face still has that glow, “my life is a lie” she says again.
“Whom do you want? Me or him? Or them?” She asks.
I get confused for a minute!
“You know how I feel about you, how I feel about him! How for years I have loved in silence, how …” She interjects before I finish talking.
“I like you… like like like, love perhaps, and I’d want to be with you”, she begins, her hand caressing mine, she is now seated facing me, legs crossed on the bed. He loves men! He loves men! I love women, love you! Want to spend more time with you, but society doesn’t acknowledge us.
She goes on and on, of how she has been convincing herself she is somebody she is not, of how she could be herself around me and the fact that she doesn’t have to pretend to be someone else! She says that she has been living her life in regret after the last encounter I had with her 3 years ago, after she kissed my cheek and said that she wasn’t like me! She tells me of how, they had agreed to conform to societal wants and needs and that’s why she had agreed to the wedding.
“Agy, I want to be part of your world; I want to be a part of you! But I don’t know how to be with you, because society does not acknowledge us, God hates us, and more so, you are also not sure if it’s me or him that you want, or maybe you just want someone at your disposal because you are afraid of being lonely!
And the sex, well the sex was…
I stop her…
“I want the person I know I cannot have,” I begin. Am I an object to you? A sexual one? Do you want me, when it is convenient, when you need to quench the desires he can’t quench? Do you see me as a partner, someone more than a friend even in secrecy? One I can be open with?”
She stutters, ” I… I… I… want to be a part of your world, but I do not know how”