How do you admit to some truths….
That’s the echo in my head…
Takes me a back to the time, before the encounter, that time he forced his hands up my skirt, before he forced my naked ass to sit on his thighs, I remember the room, it was a dark one four walls, it stinked of piss and somewhat human waste.
This wasn’t the first time! He’d done this many times before, he told me it was our little secret. He was teaching me how to be a grown woman!
The video I am watching…
He talks of how we enslave our ourselves in what we’ve gotten to learn in the past…
My mind wanders again.
This time round it is a different setting. This man looked beautiful, he had eyes that we’re catchy, he whispers something in my ear, I feel some warmth, I get excited. I feel his hand on my breast, he is gentle with me. Bites the tip of my nipple, his hand moves down, in my panties, I want him to touch me some more, make me feel like a grown woman!
I think I was 6, when he touched me for the first time… We were out playing those childish games. Where there is a mother, a father, the aunt and the watchman. I was neither. I grew up being a loner, I felt safe in solitude most times. So this day, when the kids asked me if I wanted to play, if I could be the aunt. I got excited… I remember telling him that they’d let me play their game! “You want to play mother next time?” Of course i do! I said.
Her name was Monica, she was shorter than me, two to three shades lighter, she had long dark hair, she was beautiful and had this Swahili accent. I think she was an year or two my senior. She always played the mother. “Want to be like Monica?” He asked. Yes! I said in excitement.
“She is a grown woman,” he said! You are not. But don’t worry, I will teach you how to be one!
That was the first time. I felt some heat beneath my thighs, some form of pain, like something was cutting between my thighs, I screamt told him to stop!
You’ll never get married to a church guy, she joked!
Why,? I asked
You have seen more penis’s than you have seen church doors, she said!
“I am learning, to be an ideal woman, I heard that bad sex is what ruins marriages lately, why the man always cheats! That’s why I am learning how to be the best in this act!” I respond cheekily.
“You are wild,” he said
You make me do things I’ve never done,make me have conversations I never have! I like it.. like you.. like this experience.
I think I am in love.. lust maybe…
I had my first period when I was 12. That evening, I had locked myself in my room. Thinking that I had fully become a woman, I was happy excited. Maybe now he would stop doing those things to me! I’d tell him that I was a woman, a grown one for that fact.
That night he sneaked in my room, he tried to touch my panties, I screamt told him that he couldn’t do it, what he was used to.
He was scared, I was scared… He left my room.
From the beginning I thought love involved naked bodies, and keeping secrets. And since then I’ve been finding my self falling in and out of “love” with people who will undress me and say that we are perfect as a secret!
The problem is I never really understood the meaning of naked. To me the view of breasts and a hairy chest is what naked looked like, and love was how well he’d touch me, how well he’d make me feel as woman!
He was drunk, I was seated in the house curled in a corner watching a cartoon, can’t remember the details, I was crying… He entered the room and sat besides me, I had started being scared of him so once he entered a room, and we were just the two of us, I’d get out of it.
As I stood from the couch, he grabbed my hand, forced me to sit down. He asked me if I wanted to join him in his room…
I knew what he was doing to me was wrong! It was bad! I couldn’t stand his face anymore and every time I saw him, I could only see myself stabbing him to death, I wanted to hurt him, smash his face with something … But I was always scared of him, he always seemed to be more powerful than me, especially the times he came to the house drunk! Everybody was scared of him, that made me more scared of him!
When I got a real boyfriend, I was confused. I’d heard what my friends said, how they talked about their boyfriends, of the things they’d do together. “Like going out for meals and watching movies and those days never ended with naked sweaty bodies. So when he took me for a play and dinner afterwards and never wanted to touch my lips with his, or have his hands on my breasts, or feel the softness of my bum, I wondered if he saw me ugly or he thought I was his sister.
I remember after a month of going out with him, I asked him if he thought I was unattractive, I asked him why he never wanted to see me naked, why he never wanted to touch me, why he never tried to explore my lips with his, if he never wanted to drink from my lips, taste a piece of me as I tasted a piece of him.
.” I want to see you naked!” But not the naked that everyone else has seen, I want to be a part of your world, but not in a way that all the men you’ve ever known have!
“Don’t you desire being between my thighs?”
I want more than that, the heat from your thighs is something I can get with every woman, the embrace you’d give is something any other woman would give as well. And I want more than that, I want to see you for you, see through your eyes, touch that inner being, I want a connection beyond meet the eye.
That was the last conversation I had with him.
My mind comes back to reality! It is time I start unlearning all I have been learning! It is time I begin to feel again, it is time I forgave myself! I tell myself.
“You can always start a fresh if you desire,” I hear a voice say.