How do I tell you that I miss you?
I miss the conversations we had, I miss the sleepovers how you’d curl on one side of the sofa reading a book and I on the other trying to figure my life out! I miss your cold feet touching me, how you’d laugh when I tried to sing along to a song that I hardly knew the lyrics! I miss you trying to cook me a decent meal, how you’d Google recipes and we’d spend that evening or afternoon shopping around for the ingredients, how most of the times the flavors were not to our liking and we’d scramble eggs or mix the food with eggs! We both loved eggs! I still love eggs do you?
I miss being your best friend, how you’d tell me everything, how I’d always tell you that things will turn out well! I see how you are doing, and it seems you are out of that dark phase. Maybe not! I want to share in your pain once more, share the smiles as well as the happy moments… I want to be a part of you again! Remember the last time, we had tea? I meant all that I said! Baby girl please stop pushing me away! I want you! Not want want, no, not that way, but I miss us, the friends we were!
I woke up to a long message from her, I felt happy, that with her wedding coming up she is still thinking about me, and that she is missing me! I want to text her; tell her that I miss her too, that I miss our conversations, that I miss her rubbing my back, when I was on my period, that I miss how she cooked her porridge! That I miss how we made funny noises in the bed! Pretending that we were lovers and imagining how we’d sound, if we ever got intimate!
I want to tell her that I slept with a lady, and her man! I want to tell her that I think I am dirty, that I am immoral, that I have been doing all those bad things, those that I never imagined I would do!
A hand on my thigh, it is her, she is smiling! Up so early… what are you reading on your phone?
“I got to leave” a friend needs me!
I had fun last night, I lie!
“We should do it again she says,
Mark wakes up, looks at me and winks, looks at her and pecks her cheek!
I can drop you, he says.
I’ll call an uber, I say, Lurkie insists on Mark dropping me!
I get out of bed and wear my clothes and I am ready to leave.
There is a first time for everything!
This is what being different entails, trying all those new experiences that I thought I’d never try!
I hate myself! I have had sex before, but I have never felt this dirty! I hate her; she is so convincing I couldn’t say no to her! She told me that I should explore things, and maybe I would know if it is her or him that I love, that sleeping with them, would help me make my decision!
Can I see you? Today? I text her, I need a dose of happiness, and she is one accompanied with sunshine!
You texted back, yes, does noon work? Same place as last time?
The tea shop? See you at noon! I reply.
The ride to my place with mark is a silent one! The awkwardness between us is something else! I am happy that I will never encounter with him or her again! That that evil act will just be a fragment of a past that I will never want to walk again! It is not a memory worth remembering!
I get to the tea shop 40 minutes earlier, as I look for a place to sit, I see her, she has held her hair in a bun! Her eyebrows look so good making her eyes larger and more beautiful, she has red lipstick on! The bright screaming kind of red, she is reading a book,” Stay with me”
Hey, what time did you get here? I ask,
I came after I read your text, the house is somewhat lonely, and I was excited to meet you. We hug, a long hug, the hugs that make someone want to cry!
You are beautiful, I say as I peck her cheek!
“I don’t love you! Like love, love you I begin!
She looks sad,
No, don’t be, I love you yes, but not the other kind of way I tell her, I am not like them! I am like you! I love men and not women! I have so many things to say, but she holds my hand! And in between the conversation I fall silent, her touch sends chills across my body, I am in a trance, my emotions are all over the place! I am not sure of what I am saying or what I am feeling! It is happening all over again! I felt somewhat empty, now I feel complete, her touch, the grip, I am in utopia for a moment!