“Let’s take care of this. It is just a little clot! I am in a bad place and this.
This just can’t happen!”
“What do you need?
I promise I will be there!
I will help you with the healing! I know you are not ready for this!
We are not ready for this!”
This conversation runs through my mind every second!! It is like a radio on repeat mode!!
I am numb, I am alone, everything is blurry, and I think I can see death! I can smell it too… this room is getting smaller, my thoughts are rushing! God I am not ready for death! Let me not die alone!
Just like the death I feared to face, this silence is now loud my ears hurt! I hope I’d get how are you fairing text if not a call! We shall handle this, i’ll help you in the healing! Wasn’t that the promise I was offered?
No something harsher, I am in pain! Lots of pain, I need to be numb! Just for a second maybe two! I need to forget the smell of death!
Ever seen death?
I’ve seen a dead body!
Have you ever been close to death?
Talking to strangers has been an easy skill lately, those people don’t judge!
“I saw death!
It looked black, I now understand why they wear that color to funerals! Mine was red! Yes it was a mixture of black and red! A lot of red!!! I heard voices, not mine, not those noises in my head! These ones were condemning me!
“You did again!! How heartless can you be? Don’t you ever want to meet me? Meet us? We would have made you happy!! Proud even!!!”
“Are you happy with the choices you make?” I ask.
“Sometimes I do…” She says
But lately I haven’t been making the right choices she tells me!
Look at the time! It is shy of midday, look where I am.
I have been feeling alone, she continues!
She touches her tummy! I am going to be a mother!
Congratulations! I tell her!
I will be a bad mom, she says!
He is a ghost!
“Do you believe in miracles?”
Miracles are for saints, I am a sinner!
You are going to be a mom! That is a miracle I say!
“You look sad,
I have been sad lately, alone as well…
Ever since that day I saw death and smelt it everything has been sad!
I love strangers, like you… You are a beautiful stranger! I feel happy around strangers lately!”
I faced death alone, has someone ever told you they’d hold your hand and then they never hold it?
Lies are bad, and the fact that I believed the lie makes me angry make me sadder! People never change, but in the midst of confusion we allow ourselves to be manipulated! Maybe there is some good in them.. Maybe they mean what they say!
She laughs again!
I see myself in you she says!
Lost, in need of love!!
Love is a bad thing.. .
It makes one reckless.. Look at me, I loved the ghost! Risked everything just to have his child! I now hate myself for the choices I made! And this little one in me, I hope it will learn to love me, just half of the love I had for the ghost!
I have a part of him that I’ll proudly call mine!
Let me ask you…
What led to you facing death?
“A man,” I say!
A mistake, I wanted to undo the mistake. But some things can never be undone. Look I am now filled with sadness, topping that with loneliness, me thinking I was doing well ended up doing me bad! I m afraid, I hear so many voices, voices that are complaining voices blaming me! I try to pray, to ask for forgiveness, but at such moments those voices become louder and louder, I enjoy this harsh bitter drink it silences those voices, makes me happy, makes me talk to beautiful strangers like you!
She pours me her drink!
We can only make the best out of it! And since you never died you can only move on! Be gentle on this harsh drink! Don’t live in regret! Don’t allow sadness to consume you! Don’t allow yourself to make wrong choices like me!
I see myself in you and I wouldn’t want you to walk my walk…
You are beautiful, don’t allow a man, make you make another mistake in the hope of undoing the first one! Make him a ghost! A ghost full of lies.