What’s app Madness

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Sometimes last week WhatsApp  introduced encryption in its messages meaning that chat’s can no longer be read by third parties. Each message you send is uniquely encrypted that only the sender and receiver can read it but not snoopers. That got me thinking deeply. You see the application is used by a billion people worldwide so imagine the kind if information traffic is passed through per second. Now imagine if a third party all along was reading your chat’s and imagine the chaos that would break through if they were to be leaked. Most unholy activities are conducted through WhatsApp. Just imagine it all, from cheating, to nudes, to porno, to backstabbing, to underhand deals, to gossip, the list is just endless. A friend of mine recently showed me how he keeps track of his girl in real time through the app. Every message she sends or receives he reads them in realtime. How they do it I didn’t wanna know. I even shuddered at the idea itself. Am the old school type, I believe what I do not know cannot hurt me and so I prefer ignorance. It keeps me sane and I sleep soundly. After all you cannot control someone you met with a full set of teeth. Am no longer sure whether with the encryption the real time monitoring works anymore. Moving on swiftly.

Most of us belong to WhatsApp groups or all of us for that matter. From traffic groups, family, alumni, weddings and mutual friends and the latter is where all the chaos on social media thrives. I belong to several of them and am active to say the least apart from one group, a wedding committee group. I’ve tried exiting the group severally and my boy promptly puts me back within seconds. I don’t have a problem with people having weddings and portraying love to the rest of the word, what I have a problem with is why I should finance it even to the tune of a hundred Bob. My boy knows my mantra. If I finance your wedding I will consummate it as well. Period! But well he still insists and I simply muted the group. Simple.

Mutual friends groups are like a thriller actually there are better than the third rate Mexican hogwash that Kenyan women watch religiously. This is where you get news on what’s trending, which idiot somewhere released nudes and generally the juiciest of gossip. When a group is made up of both sexes the thrill gets more exhilarating. And here’s a fact I’ve learnt, a woman will always be jealous of another woman even if they have never met. Two total strangers in a group and they will tear at each other at any given opportunity. And yet my Sunday school tried convincing me that the serpent tempted eve with the fruit, eve was actually jealous the serpent had the fruit and not her so she cunningly deceived the serpent to give up the fruit and ate it. Women are cunning and jealous to date.

I do belong to an addictively chaotic group that for the purposes of this post I’ll call it group ya shenanigans. It is comprised of peeps from all walks. The hustler, the kanjo guy, the campus light skin, the wannabe parastatal diva, the alcoholic, the mboch slayer, in short anybody you can think of apart from of course drug dealers, terrorists, rapists or criminals. Shenanigans are extremely informative on any given day but when they take the lewd highway even the devil takes a walk. It is the kind of group whereby you have to disable auto download when you are in a PSV since the picture or video you receive can send the passenger next to you into a trance at the sight of the content. If you are married and you are a member of the shenanigans, you have to have like five app lock applications in case your kid decides to go through your phone. That kid will never recover. But that’s not what makes the fisi’s and fisilets on that group tick, hell no! It’s the amount of internal gossip and no chills. Caution with words and chills died a painful death long ago. Words are not minced neither are emotions. It is not your mothers kitchen where you go sob after being roasted for you’ll be fried shortly afterwards. In short you’ll be shredded till you’re no more. It is encompasses the most obnoxious and hilarious characters just to name but a few;
The wannabe Diva;
She posts pictures of her every meal and if she’s having tripe for lunch, she will poach hudda’s meal from instagram. We know she partakes in drinking ” Jameson light ” when she’s alone but she always posts champagne. By the way Jameson light is kibao vodka.

The Rachet;
The everyday campus girl who’s been passed around like a joint of blunt but still feigns chastity & 5th generation virginity.

The Panya:
A degeneration of the rachet. Difference is that this one doesn’t feign any form of virginity whether front or back. Commonly also known as the okoa jazi.

The psychomotor:
This dude is emotionless. He doesn’t promise women heaven. He gives them earth and sends them straight to hell after they hopelessly fall in love with him.

The drone:
This guy is the ultimate slayer on the group. He tracks his prey stealthily on the group. Once his identified a catch he proceeds to private chat it. After he’s through with it, he winds up operations faster than chase bank.

The Holier than though:
This chic has mastered the art of hypocrisy.  She condemn nearly everything but behind drawn curtains she twerks and spreads legs wider than a car’s bonnet.

The pornstar:
He supplies everything lewd and nude to the group. His database is extensive. He is usually very quiet.

The catalyst:
He supplies information purposely to create internal feud. He enjoys drama.

The Blonde:
She’s everywhere and nowhere. She actively participates in all discussions while she actively says a lot of nothing.

The pharmacist:
He does all legal drugs everyday and proceeds and proceeds to unleash chaos when he’s high.

The observers:
They say little on the group while actually doing a lot of everything wrong in the background.  

Dr. Love:
The suave dude who tells all women he loves them. He doesn’t care about rejection. He moves on to the next woman as if he never said anything to the previous one.

The baggage:
This chic carries a lot of emotional baggage resulting from continuous rejection and roasting but never leaves the group.

Satan’s reincarnation:
This dude will say anything and everything without thinking twice. The devil the group cannot do without.

The lost cause:
This chic has two brains. One is lost and the other is looking for it.

The wamamas:
These dudes would shame Kilimani mums. They do not care if you think wako na umama. They also double up as the rumour depot on who’s sharing who’s sheets and toothbrush. They basically are the entertainment.

The Newbie:
This chic is confused of the chaos. She’s interested in every guy. She’s led on with flatters and once she’s looped & sampled by fisis she’s then categorized.

The characters on the shenanigans group are too many to completely exhaust. But the above mentioned ones make my days bearable with their antics. Now with such characters imagine if your girl, wife, kid, boss or parent was able to read your WhatsApp chats. Can you correctly even begin to describe the chaos that would unfold? And if your wondering what category I fall into in the shenanigans Group, I am known as the shepherd. The voice of reason that is not so reasonable when he imbibes one too many at the local.

– Koome Mwiti –

©junglegarl

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