Of light Skins

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I haven’t done much writing of late partially because Aggy and Wanja Kavengi have been keeping me entertained with their hilarious posts. As a wannabe writer, sometimes you have to read other people’s musings or else you become lost in your own world and you think your doing great with half baked content. Apart from biko who keeps me very much entertained these two also have what it takes to go places. But my absence mainly crops up from my being on a self declared holiday of sorts. I’ve taken time to celebrate my birthday, Christmas and new year which I all missed out on two years in a row and while basically taking a lot of time doing nothing is when I came across light skins. The newest national disaster second to politicians who are in the real sense a political joke. But well the latter isn’t my turf nor fascination. 

To set the record straight, the term light skin isn’t meant to describe the naturally light skinned girl. Far from it as nobody chooses their skin color. The term is meant to describe this wanna be ladies who watch too much telemundo and MTV thus end up bleaching their skins and brains to match what they see. The end result is a weird looking African blonde who has the IQ if a pool table. Unfortunately this light skins tend to miraculously land themselves a sponsor or become someone’s fourth wife. Subsequently after being purchased for a Toyota IST by their well wishers they reason they now living the Kenyan dream of being a flosset without any tangible asset. Their stupidity is quite chilling.

I encountered my first Kenyan blonde in Meru while hanging out with the boys at the grounds doing amber colored beverages. I was explaining to some dude about stabilizer bar bushes and how the car behaves while their warn out. Another friend had tagged along his Ka light skin. Deep inside he knew he was sleeping with a vacuum so we let him have his moment in the sun before some MCA snatched her. Boys will always be fascinated by colored toys. So anyway this lady chips in and says that cars do not have stabilizer bars maybe only motorcycles since the rider needs to be kept stable. An eerie silence came upon the five of us. I was appalled not for her lack of knowledge but for her lack of knowing that her knowledge was insufficient in such matters. I have a very fast sarcastic mouth and before I could shoot my pal whisked his blonde away with some mundane excuse about shopping for groceries. That single episode opened the flood gates to encounters with kenyanesse light skins.

Fast forward a week later and we are having lunch with friends at a good establishment and as usual one of my pals tags along his campus toy. She’s all colored up like a Christmas tree and I wrongly assume her brain must twinkle with some form of intelligence. Her conversations are all about who is who in campus and mark you we were all at least 10 years older than her but she never seemed to realize we were least interested in campus small talk for we knew she wasn’t committed to our ninja. It was simply his turn. Period. So after a hearty lunch she ended up eating the lemon for washing hands. Had her owner not intervened the water itself an a classic bowl would have gone Down her throat. As much as I was petrified, I didn’t blame her much. These restaurants serve water in glass bowls that are too nice. The irony in the whole tale is that she had mentioned that regularly does lunch at Mayfair & peppers when she goes to Nairobi. I haven’t heard from my ninja in over two weeks. He’s avoiding me like plague.

My holidaying bug then took me to the city in the sun and one Friday I hook up with my partner in crime for some rounds. He asks that we meet on koinange street and not the usual Nairobi west local. After grudgingly obliging I meet him at some very fine lounge and he explains he’s hooking up with some youngling he met at the club the previous weekend and he’s asked her to bring a friend along. I have this won’t end well look but he’s unmoved and after all am not chained on the chair I convince myself. I can always duck. Shock on us! Repeat slowly after me…. Shock on us! His youngling troops in with five of her friends. She proceeds to plant cheap purple lipstick on his cheek. Ninja looks like he’ll go into cardiac arrest. The air now reeks of cheap bint el sudan cosmetics. I sarcastically ask him loudly enough for everyone to hear if it’s his birthday or if he’s girlfriend had given birth and we celebrating? The younglings  don’t get the sarcasm or they are blonde upstairs. They stare at us without a care in the world as my friend sweats himself into dehydration. I believe there comes a point when stupidity can only be matched by foolishness. In Swahili it’s said ukinishinda ujinga hautanishinda upumbavu. My evil side comes into play.

I feign being a gentleman and ask them where they would prefer to have drinks for I knew they wouldn’t fit at the lounge. It was playing soft music and they looked like Huddah groupies. Basically they were twerklings in the making so they needed somewhere loud and raunchy. I knew my pal could afford to irrigate six dry young throats but  he would never recover from the financial strain the rest if the month plus I could tell by how confident they were it’s a game they play on ninjas every so often. Unfortunately they had met their match. So after settling out tab we headed to their preferred joint. A hip pub selling alcohol at prices I believe were from utopia. Folks do the math. Six ladies taking alcohol that all come in doubles. Those are twelve bottles plus two lagers for us ninjas totaling to fourteen bottles a round each bottle at two hundred and fifty Bob. Imagine!!!!!   That’s 3500 a single round. I played stupid and we did four rounds totaling to 14k. No sane man would treat strangers to 14k and no sane self respecting woman would not smell a rat at such generosity. Only a light skin would think Christmas comes twice a year or alcohol is cheaper than their skin lightening creams. My friend stupidly played along but what confused him the more is that for the hours even his youngling didn’t have time for him. She was clowning and dancing everywhere with younger ninjas. He was visibly disappointed. To cut the long story short, we finished our beers and headed to our local where sane people drink at sane prices. The younglings discovered we bailed two hours later. A whole two hours later. And when his youngling called, I answered his phone and explained to her since they were six I thought they were treating us. I thanked her for their generosity and kind hearts. I reminded her that such good people were rare and they were heaven sent. Whatever came out of her mouth after that is a story for another day nor did it move me. As I said earlier on, am hardly outdone when it comes to playing stupid and they will never repeat such on some ninja..

Black is beautiful just as natural light skin. Why women are ditching their skin tones and bleaching themselves to look like diapers beats me. Unfortunately it looks like they are also bleaching their brains while at it. Whatever is coming out if their mouths shows a complete disunity between their brains and vocal cords. Completely unintelligible utterances. Women should know their is nothing as attractive as a natural woman who you can hold a decent and sane conversation with. That is now my definition of sexy. But maybe am judging too harshly. That is why courtesy of one of my sisters, am penning this Down while am at the Kenyan coast. As I holiday, am researching on light skins down here. The weather isn’t favorable but the food and drinks are awesome but that is a story for another day.

Belated Happy women’s day to all women who know womanhood is more than just the skin, the glitz & the glamour.

– Koome Mwiti –

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