HER

The curtain on festivities has finally come down and I bet am not the only one relieved. As much as unwinding after a tough year is quite fair, logically speaking, the bigger percentage behave as if they got a commission from the good lord to go on a havoc rendezvous. Its all good. Hotels are smacking their lips in satisfaction. EABL will post pre tax profits with figures that can actually run a country. Mututho as usual has released statistics that are cooked somewhere south of jogoo road and declared that merians are the heaviest drinkers and spenders south of lake Turkana. He should know there is nothing like bad publicity. Meru Ninjas like I have scaled the ladder of sponsor materials since some light skin somewhere studying cabin crew in some college sandwiched between Accra and Tsavo lane thinks we loaded. The miraa report! Now that was something outta utopia. If you blonde enough to swallow the myth that khat reduces male potency. Come share a bed with my kind. It wont take you long to attest that We repair barrenness. Merians simply love the fine things in life apart from ratchets and the Njoki Chege typos

I’ve never supported a ninja having clandestine affairs but since king Solomon set the precedence, the fad spread like a malignant tumor and is relentless to date like an ovulating woman. So we have sane men having all sort of affairs with all sort of walking, weaved and dolled up sin. I have never quite figured out how a man would have strength and patience for multiple women while the main missus alone is enough to get a dude try taking refuge in Limbo. But if Clinton the most powerful man on earth was ready to throw the presidency away over a fellatio with an intern then its obvious it’s a fad that’s not about to fade away in the foreseeable future. Like Herpes, its here to stay but with irreparable consequences if you are caught exploring for oil in foreign thigh rigs that have no resemblance to the crotch of your missus. Bless your fornicating ways. The devil weeps.

I know good ninjas who are good to the missus and the only time they lie is when they protecting her from the truth. Simply put; Matters of fisi security that falls under the docket of National Security. It is a NS matter if you try answering honestly when asked who’s Wangari by your first lady. Hell knows no fury like classifying Wangari as just a platonic friend to the missus. Try it if you have alloy balls. When I was cohabiting with X in last years article I did of under siege moments . I forgot to mention that any ninja that loves his facial outlook and is always a man under siege in his own house, develops a tendency of reporting to the kitchen pronto when he finds a warm reception from his Jihadi wannabe girlfriend. Anytime I found X in good moods with her combat mode disengaged and cutlery ammunition nowhere in sight. I used to head straight to the kitchen and if I found water boiling on the cooker I would immediately empty flour inside. I never took chances. Whether baking flour, baking powder or maize meal, contents were emptied without a second thought. If I found frying oil I would would throw in the kitchen bar soap, charcoal, salt, royco and even the chapati Rollin pin. I never left my being alive to chance to her good moods. Kesi baadaye. Try telling such a terrorist that you do not steam Wangari every so often in deluxe rooms at maanzoni and that she’s just a good friend. You’ll know the kiswahili saying of siku ya nyani ikifika hata miti huteleza – yet you are innocent .

Not all men are ardent thong eaters. There is another breed like me that’s rarely discussed. The breed that might have a missus they penda to bits and pieces but has loads of female friends that ain’t sautéed in hotel rooms by this kind. Ladies that you catch a pint with. Ladies that know their whiskey, are exposed and have control of their hormones even when jack Daniels lies to them you look esibly delicious as a waffle. Ladies you have a respectable unseen/unspoken boundaries with when it comes to mother’s union unthreading practicals since you both set the limits way loong ago. There is nothing such as he’s not my type statement coming from a woman. Ladies use this as a sorry excuse with their female friends instead of telling those girlfriends that there are respected boundaries involved. Women are known to date even Nebuchadnezzar’s. If a woman avoids you like plague dear ninja you not ugly. You just broke.
There does exist platonic relationships in every sense. I have it with my doctor Wanjiru, Dr. Muthoni, Aggy, A lady known as DJ. Makena and Vicky just to mention but a few. The list is endless and lately SW. A special case.

No man has ever fully deciphered women correctly. Even his madam. You can share a bed for years with a woman but she will surprise you every waking moment and you’ll be left bewildered. Send a thief to catch a thief. I am of the thinking that to understand women any sane man should have a sane woman as one of his closest friends and vice versa (applies to women too). They let you into their world. Explain why nonsensical things like flowers, birthdays and anniversaries mean the world to them. Why a time wasting activity like cuddling will give you a visa to hang out with the boys instead of trying to acquire the visa through war cry’s. They decipher their own kind minds in ways you would never have figured out. And if a woman is taking you round in circles like a mwiki bus they’ll tell you straight up.

I met SW during those random boys night’s whilst hanging with the boys combined with our she boys. The ones that decipher the codes for us. I was having hell of a time trying to handle a blonde newbie who’d taken Johnie walker in copious amounts like its HIV vaccine and had graduated into a nuisance. This Alcohol newbie was becoming a party pooper after trying to compete with the seasoned she boys. My patience was running out fast. SW saved the newbie from my unsavory words and proceeded to handle the newbie neutralizig her alcohol. SW had made a first impression with me immediately. The other nincompoops hadn’t noticed that this she boy addition that had come in with a mutual she friend. I studied her intently from thereon. Her conversations were intelligent, she was witty, was cunningly evasive when cornered with questions and above all there was something about her lips. They were crafted perfectly like carved to perform erotic arts and craft on me. Fast forward months later and with time we’d became very good pals and she part of the gang. SW breaks down things for me with unmatched honesty. She calls gonorrhea exactly that and not the fancy STI term. We do talk a lot and surprisingly I open up to her while most of the gang knows me as extremely private. Snobbish and a tad annoying. She strips me of my ka umeru attitude and doesn’t mince words that I have an ego bigger than the statue of Tom Mboya. Eventually she says it’ll be my undoing if it already isn’t. A perfect HER she is. Those kind of women you can talk anything and everything with. She doesn’t judge and if she does she’s good at hiding it. She practically walks me through trying to keep my sanity above my ego. Never letting go of my hand. A lovable soul she is. Her nigger on the other hand is a definition of an asswipe. I guess there has to be balance in life. And yes we are platonic as things stand just like with the other shes. This one is a special breed though. Think what you may. Her approach at my twisted look at life is what sets her apart. Her undeserving dude is blessed. She’s good people.

Its a new year. Try breaking the norm. Try getting a best friend of the opposite sex. You’ll be surprised at how wonderful the conversations become, debates get turned up, better networks established and life long friendships built. But if you the wiper breed dude that licks every thing with a soprano just stick to your chauvinistic male barazas. If you the whoremones kind of woman then this ain’t for you too. Madam If your legs repel when closed; let it go and so should the dudes that carry Durex around like a MasterCard.

Oh. HER stands for Honest Evaluator Redefined.

Hope we do have an eventful year ahead people. Last years support was massive. Thank you would never paint the appreciation enough. Ahsanteni sana. Agnes Ngaruiya for the platform. Salute! SW…. for well being SW.

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2 thoughts on “HER

  1. “Why a time wasting activity like cuddling will give you a visa to hang out with the boys instead of trying to acquire the visa through war cry’s”

    Jim Rohm calls these MYSTERIES OF THE MIND!!!!!!

    Like

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