Ruracio Matters

I wanted to write something close to this and he bit me to it. a piece to reflect on, ponder on to it.  introducing…. KOOME MWITI 
Sometimes last week a crazed pal of mine posted a hoax on my Facebook timeline that news was allover town of my ruracio and of course he went ahead and feigned hearty congratulations. Dude really got me unprepared and before I could do a comeback on him, news had spread faster than Ann’s resignation and screenshots shared. By the way these screen shots have taken gossip to a whole new level. If your clande plans on making your life miserable all she has to do is send your missus screen shots and you’ll wish you were cohabiting in hell with the devil himself. That old Kenyan proverb of ” Nilikutumia Mpesa na nikapata message. Haujapata? ” Has been brought to an end. The other person simply requests for a screen shot. I kid you not, these shots will wreck many homes and friendships. They are more harmful than nudes. They’ve taught me the hard way whom I choose to drunk text at 3am. Onto the ruracio matters. People crawled out of hibernation on reading that piece and 99% were in shock that finally I could be tamed. I never for a moment thought that my private life is privy to so much scrutiny and before I could scream it was a hoax my WhatsApp was going insane with messages mostly bordering on who’s the unlucky girl. I felt a tad insulted as I’ve always thought am that gentleman that makes girls go gaga with mesmerism. I had always envisioned people going like awwww whoever she is she’s the luckiest girl south of the Sahara. That is when time comes and I break the news. Unfortunately girl’s are so envious when its not them taking measurements for that ruracio kitenge. Sorry ladies. Your match is still being sorted by the devil himself. Y’all will land a worse breed than me. But that hoax got me thinking.
What’s the perfect age for a man to settle down? Is there anything like a perfect age or that partner that borders on perfection? In all honesty I think that a man who settles down before he hits 30 doesn’t do so because he’s found that wife material that is as elusive as the sport pesa jackpot. Such men settle down due to circumstances and mostly its consequences of un-threading material without helmets worn on respective heads during friction. So much pressure is mounted on a guy when he impregnates someone’s daughter that society expects him to do what is right and make a family out of it. Society forgets it takes two willing adulterers to fornicate. It also forgets that when a man is on fire he cannot differentiate between lust and love. He’ll promise a girl to even purchase the garden of Eden if only she can put out that fire. Unfortunately even sewers put out fires and before the dude knows it he is trapped in an unhappy matrimony with a girl he only knows by her club name  such as shantelle or Shaniqua. And it pains me that society is still gullible to that story of he used me and lied to me. Only girls with slide to unlock as a default password to their private parts use that line. Pure hogwash. I think its time guys had a say on blunders that they make along the way. You can still be a great father without being in a relationship with your child’s mother. It is only when you are happy and contented that you can truly love immeasurably and being in a forced union doesn’t count as happy. It should be a government directive that all ninjas under 30 should know condom varieties and prices of head. Period.
Then you hit 30 and you decide to elevate the girlfriend to missus. The wife material to wife equipment and that’s when you’ll start viewing your dad with a completely new line of respect that he actually underwent so much to make your mother legally his. Unless you forever want to remain a man under siege during your lifetime, am informed ruracio is one stage you don’t wanna skip. It will test your patience and your wallet. Am told it reaches a point you just want to walk right up to your in-laws to be and let them know you’ve been marinating plus garnishing their daughter under your sheets for quite sometime and you don’t understand what the fuss is all about. You feel like letting them know you are actually doing them a favour taking her from them for your life will constantly be policed and scrutinized. You will constantly need migraine medication but since you want to come home to a clean house and not oily fries from sonford or charred chicken from Nairobi West  you will stand there stupidly grinning as a bride price list is handed to you. If your clever enough am told it’s wise to opt for the hire purchase payment option. Or better still the boko haram option of can’t pay and won’t pay.
Folks marriage is hard. Marriage is so hard Nelson Mandela got a divorce. Mandela spent 27 straight years in prison and when he was finally set free he stayed with Winnie for just six months and decided fuck this shit and walked out. Just pause and picture that. Ninjas need to stop searching for wife material and start looking for soulmate material. 
Hitting 30 years isn’t hard. Impregnating a woman isn’t a miracle. Paying bride price isn’t a Nobel achievement. Finding that right person is the hard part. Combining love and lust whereby love overcomes lust isn’t child’s play. It means you have found that soulmate. So yes despite the envious and snide comments received, I know that one sweet day I will have my ruracio. I will be someone who meets me halfway. I will be with someone who gets me a glass of water when they get one. I will be with someone who makes sure I do not have to endure bad moments all by myself. I will be with someone who all my exes hate and my mother loves. Someone who alters me but doesn’t try changing me. I will spend my life with my better half not my other half like most of y’all.
To Meeme & Mwendwa. Alex & Wambui. Upon you I wish God’s favor and blessings come the 12th of December. And kindly do not pull a Mandela even after  27years.
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