Have you ever had one of those days when you feel like you stuck in a rut? More like you in a portal that’s spinning continuously and never spitting you out on the other side. A portal of sin and life’s murk that saps the life out of you and the world slurp its lips in jest. I hate those kind of days. Those days have a way of sneaking up on you like an unwanted pregnancy. They end up tearing and tormenting you days on end such that when they eventually come to pass they leave you in a whirl of thoughts so phenomenal that you start questioning the very basis of your existence. You question the kind of life your living, the friends you hang out with, your partners drama, your job, your religion, your family and even why goats poop pellets. Those thoughts suck and it’s like those questions are scripted in hell for you can never find the right answer no matter how hard you rev your brains.
I hate disappointments. I’ve never been able to correctly handle them especially from people I care about be it family or friends. Am told they are part of life’s intricate fabric and once in a while you have to encounter them at some point. I really do not have a problem encountering them I just do have a problem with how they leave me shaken and shredded. The way they leave me torn up and the door to my soul ajar for more disappointments to come rattle me up. Sometimes I court them by ignoring my intuition. I’ve painfully learnt over the years never to ignore your intuition and when someone shows you who they are the first time believe them. People never change no matter how hard and long you hope they will. We blindly delve into relationships having already seen flaws in a person we cannot condone but hope they’ll change and they never do. We author our heartbreaks. The same reason why we ignore our intuition about self centered people but hope they will fix a spot for you in their lives whilst we know its always about them being in the limelight. Am a sucker for peoples personality and it never ends well. Charming Personality is usually a camouflage for lack of something in most people including I but am usually hooked on so hard that by the time I get myself disentangled from the fallacy shit’s already hit the fan.
You keep knocking on the devils door long enough and sooner or later someone’s gonna answer you. I think I’ve been knocking & yelling simultaneously. Sometimes we court our own disappointments and failures by constantly ignoring intuition and hints scattered all over. We attract what we want to. If you are constantly bedeviled with wrong partners in life it is because you court and accommodate something that the wrong kind of people find alluring in you. Mostly it is indecisiveness. The reason you find your current partner has characteristics of your ex ranging from drama levels to habits that drive you up the wall but unfortunately you never made that right decision to walk away early enough when your intuition was screaming itself hoarse that both you take a walk . When all is said and done your left so whipped up that you have no time to notice the good people around you. By the time your recovered you attract another special case in your life and the cycle goes on repeatedly. Finally depression sets in.
Religion that was once used by folks to find good and hope amidst turmoil has become the actual turmoil in peoples life. The circus and deeds committed by both men and women of the cloth have me more confused on where to turn to when your intuition no longer speaks to you. The church that was once hope is slowly becoming hopeless. Preachers performing chemistry abracadabra and cashing on them miracles. Spirituality long thrown to the dogs and a sinning gospel now brought forth fanning confusion on what is acceptable or not in an already confused society. Politicians once looked upon are now common market hecklers. A sad lot of political jokes. A joke even upon themselves.
Surprisingly underneath the disappointment, indecisiveness, sin and life’s murk, I find a reason to trudge on. A reason to smile for I know am not the only nor first on to harbor such weird thoughts. There is so much beauty in life when you cease to focus on the negativity that surrounds you. The negativity is part of the clog that runs the wheel but it isn’t the wheel itself nor is it the steering wheel. I choose to steer my own happiness. To find foot in my belonging and to stamp my existence not as a by the way but as a way. There is so much beauty that I haven’t explored such as ditching the locals for more of the outdoors. A day out in the arboretum lost in the scent of flowers and plants. A drive in the parks to experience that ecosystem that balances life in the wild. An interrupted view of the sun rise or set so beautify each day as if it were the first. Amidst the human chaos there are special people among’st us just that we never really notice for we choose to concentrate on noticing the really unimportant ones and rarely have the courage to take a step on the road less traveled with the unnoticed ones. We spend most of our lives trying to fit in. Competing amongst each other on acquiring standards. The humane part of being human is slowly eroding.
Yes life has a way of slapping, tossing and tearing at us. It has a way of amplifying the negative aspects that the positive remains in the shadows. I’ve realized that only I can free myself God can only but guide me. That I should fall in love with myself first before falling in love with someone else. Only then can I truly love unconditionally. That feelings of butterflies in the stomach are an excuse for lust. That missed heartbeats are warnings of a stroke not love. That everyone longs appreciation even sadists. That some people will always be pricks but you should never let them prick your spirit. That family comes first despite differences. That spirituality and God is upon myself not preachers. That most friends will always be unreliable. And finally that everything happens for a reason. Fate and destiny are just terms we use for what we fear to confront.