The Common Cold

Its was one of those slow days when everything even birds seem to be on a go slow and I find myself at the local trying to evaluate my sanity and arrogance. Many a woman have called me arrogant and I’ve promised myself the next one who even hints that am a tad arrogant will be met with a vaffaculo reply straight up and undiluted. It simply translates to go fuck yourself in Italian. How such a sexy word could turn out so nasty beats me but that’s the beauty of language and anyway am tired of explaining myself and my angle of viewing what plagues the society. Am completely at peace sneering at my beer wondering why this bar hostess has bleached herself so hard she looks like a military issue camouflage jacket. Picture a Dinka from Sudan trying to turn into a Bajuni. I chuckle at her naivety. Lost in tranquility I am when two women saunter in all colored up. Clearly they were from playing with crayons commonly called make up in feminine circles. They head straight to the counter right beside where am seated and proceed to totally ignore me as if am part of the bar ambience. Common bar etiquette dictates that you ask if the seats are taken, not that I was interested in small talk. Am yet to understand what’s with the Jameson craze around because everybody is doing this drink including these two and its a whole litre. One thing I know about any intoxicating liquor that’s not beer is that as you do it it ends up doing you in the long run and it does you hard in every imaginable place not mentioning the hangover.
I ask for another lager and go back to creating chaos on WhatsApp groups, and with every neat tot they take they get louder and I cannot help over hearing their conversation eventually. After all of all the empty seats they chose to seat beside me. The devil intentionally sent them to upset my peace. So it goes that one of this women had just found out that her partner was having an affair with someone else and by the description tone the other woman was totally worth the affair. You see when a woman describes another woman with sneers and facial convulsions just know the other woman is very attractive. Women are poor at guarding jealousy. Turns out the other woman listening to the sod of a tale is what they call a BFF. Best Fake Friend. Lemme tell you this and you can take it to the bank. Women have no such thing as Best Friend Forever. Women change friends like undies and one is considered loyal if you never try acting in a manner to suggest you are better than her. Fake re invented I tell you.
I don’t know what had really startled the woman. Her partner having an affair or the other woman being attractive. I don’t know why they think we only flirt with bar maids for she was really shocked about this other woman and judging by the tirade the other woman was doing well in life and social circles apart from lacking her own man. As if men come with title deeds. In male circles the other woman is simply known as ” the common cold ” or ” flu “. Imagine they are that common. Shocked? When you over hear your guy on phone telling his boy that ” Jana nilikuwa na homa ” my dear…… Now you know. That’s what matters. Stupidly I get carried away with  eavesdropping that at one point I laugh out loud at the hate spewing out of the affected woman. My woes officially begin with that laugh. The devil trooped in with his choir. When I mess up he never comes alone, he comes with his kitchen cabinet.
The ladies shoot me dagger looks. Am fried. They begin the women’s old testament, the one where all men are dogs blah blah and the heat is now directed at me as if am the fucker that got his hand stuck in the cookie jar. I try to keep my peace, I really try from giving them a piece of me. I even try picturing Kirigo Ngarua seated next to me. I love her ” innocent ” look. Until the affected decides to direct a question at me on why we can’t keep it in our pants. I reach for my bottle and empty half of the contents straight up, belch and turn to face them. Time I sent the devil back with his aides.
I ask if she’s married and sadly she ain’t after all that man snatching bitching. She says she’s dating this guy and they have been in a steady relationship for a year. With those few first words she had just deep fried herself into a burn.
Its simple, marriage is validation anything else is fornication. Only in marriage do you take a vow of a lot of things including faithfulness before God and man. Anything else is commentary and this applies to both sexes. It doesn’t matter if you have been sharing a toothbrush a whole year, you find your partner with someone else in reality they are not compelled to explain themselves just that decency and humanity dictates you shouldn’t be caught in the act. If you do not spot the wedding band know your living in a fornicating bubble. If he cannot afford a wedding, he can afford two witnesses at the AG and your parents blessings. Secondly women should know there is a huge difference between dating someone and seeing someone. It is also impossible to date a guy and be in a relationship with him as the affected had put it. When you are dating someone you are not exclusive with that person. Dating means getting to know a person and no law in heaven or earth prohibits you from getting to know all the women in this country if your wallet has capacity. You are not compelled to intimacy while dating unless of course your legs or pants have slide to unlock as the default password. Seeing someone on the other hand means you’ve gotten to know that person and you’ve singled them out as suitable partners. At this stage you are compelled into some form of accountability including where your lips have been and why your phone ran out of charge but the club didn’t ran out of alcohol. This is what is known as adultery with intent of owning but the society knows it in the more abused term of being in a relationship. So ladies should know dating means your still open for business. See why the affected had fried herself with her common reasoning.
And for Christ sake  why do ladies still fall for this nonsense of a man is still trying stabilize and you’ve been with him for a whole year. twelve months is ample time for a guy to stabilize a lot of things including his thirst for unthreading any foreign material and his heart beat guessing he still gives you those juvenile lines of skipping heart beats when he sees you. Try skipping heart beats a whole year and I’ll label you a miracle. After a year with no tangible results apart from sweating on top of you baby girl you have entered the replaceable phase. Men are good at buying time ladies. While you think your younger sister poses no danger  her fruits still being unripe the nigger is already eating her fruit with salt and you wonder how you got replaced. You do not need a self help book to know your doing time in a relationship with no parole in sight for you to know when to orchestrate a prison break. Prison meaning him convulsing on top of you repeatedly night after night and parole marriage.
I gave this ladies like 1001 reasons as to why the nigger might have jumped ship and they would need a magazine to exhaust. I was amazed at the myths and misconception ladies have about men. Sadly with such reasoning, no wonder we have men catching the common cold more commonly than it should be caught in both common and uncommon situations. Only one Dog leash has beaten the test of time and has the approval of the Association of the Common cold. A wedding ring.  He may catch a cold that wants to be caught once in a while but unlike dogs without a leash he is limited on the number of times he chooses to catch straying colds and warm them up.
Oh, and yes it took many lagers, tots, tears and raised voices to sate the devil and send him away with the ladies but it was worth it.
-Koome Mwiti-
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