Three years and some months back, I had been assigned work duties across the border. Working conditions were tough as they could get but life was fairly good. Life was a bliss because I didn’t have any any responsibilities whatsoever apart from sending my mum some chums to treat herself and my dad a drink to remember me by. I was answerable to no one about my spending habits. Being a last born has its perks. The best one being you have no responsibility about siblings since they all older than you and are also gainfully employed and once so often they throw you some pocket change to fuel your fanatical living life on the fast lane debacle. Moneyed Sisters are great believe you me. Around the same time one of my sisters was having her wedding and of course I wasn’t going to miss that for anything in the world though she was clever enough to make sure I do not make it to the list of groomsmen for she knew I would come thirsty for anything with froth and foam apart from detergents and good legs. Am a sucker for beautiful women with good legs, an ample ass an corn rows. That adage about inner beauty and personality was for x-ray machines and scanners at the airport. Not me, I saw, I lusted, I conquered. Simple mathematics, right? I told you life was good then. I made it for the wedding in reasonably good time and of course I came in thirsty like a caveman. My sister had her dream wedding, I celebrated like it was mine. I quenched my thirst for frothy liquids and simultaneously put out the fire in my loins and went back to work after painting the town a very bright red.
I have intentionally left out the part where I was seeing this beautiful chocolate skinned damsel with one hell of a beautiful smile and personality but I believe we are sane adults who can figure out how embers that rest upon a mans loins are put out. So am back to work and the climate is a description out of hell itself. The heat is almost unbearable little did I know temperatures would soon flare up to something no words can correctly describe. One fine morning am at my place of work hammering furiously at the keyboard as my boss barks allover the place. Why do they think we cannot work without voices raised and instructions repeated over and over like a nursery rhyme? Anyway, so as I harass my keyboard a call comes through. One look at the callers name and my face lights up. Y’all ninjas know the drill. Heart murmurs, palpitations, excitement etc. In short its my damsel calling. I stagger out in love and brace my vocal chords for my signature bass
” sasa lovely. “
Damn God gave me a sexy voice. Its a fact, its a gift. And yes once in a while I do abuse it. Wait for it…… Here it comes…. Without the morning lovey doveys, without warning she tells me she’s pregnant. Ladies should learn how to break such news to a last born bachelors. That line isn’t funny even one bit and it will never be. For the next five minutes I think I died and resurrected a thousand times. I broke a cold and hot sweat simultaneously. My breathing became laboured. I went in and out of numerous cardiac arrests. Various epitaphs with my name on it flashed before me. In short am still recovering to date and words will never aptly quite capture that moment. I think she noticed I was ” dead ” for she hang up. I never went back to work, I was still ” dead. ” I somehow managed to get hold of a bottle of teachers whiskey and a couple of lagers which I used as a chaser to the whiskey. I couldn’t think straight. Heck I couldn’t think at all. Never in my wildest dreams had I ever imagined being someone’s dad. Me? How now? I couldn’t judge whether it was a blessing or a curse. To me it seemed like other bachelor’s were out to assassinate my character that I had built to perfection. For years I had been extremely careful not to sow any wild oats. I was so careful to the point that I used rubber, swallowed p2s before and made sure the lady also swallowed after the act. A three in 1 protection that was an impregnable force even to a gladiator sperm. Surprisingly at the back of my head I never even once doubted the damsel. I had proof of her faithfulness this isn’t just the forum for that part.
I didn’t know how to break the news to my parents or family. They wouldn’t believe I could sire. Drink they knew I could and drinkers don’t usually sire. They have others do it for them. Fortunately I came from a very accommodating family that believed in miracles. The biggest challenge was her parents, her family. I was older than she was. I was working, she was doing her undergraduate so of course I had trampled an a girls dreams and a parents hope. Then bring in the tribal card. Yes that card that most Kenyan families cling to like a leech but luckily not mine but hers why not.
After a few days she called again and what she told me I’ll never forget. She told me I do not have to take responsibility and she will take my name to the grave with her. She’ll never tell a soul. She said she is ready to be the mother and father to the kid and under no circumstances will she procure an abortion. She was ready to defend her 2 weeks pregnancy at all Costs. I hadn’t even suggested to her about an abortion but of course I had thought about it. Am sane. Sane people caught up in such circumstances think about insane shit you know. Its perfectly normal.
To cut a very very long tale short. He did come as handsome as I could never have imagined. He’s clocking three now and he’s a necessary noise I now live for. Blessing is an understatement.
Since that day that I had a thousand deaths to today tough decisions have had to be made along the way. Its not been easy. Its been a tale of tough decisions, tough love and a “roto” tank of tears to where he is now. I steal glances at him as he turns my moms world upside down and drives his nanny crazy with his antics and I smile. One satisfied smile. He’ll drive his grandparents crazy one of this fine days and his nanny says she’s getting migraines and I laugh. At least I am sure of his gender and that he’s no homo. He has enough scars to prove it. Plus he is worth all the sacrifices, tough decisions and tough love until he decides to impregnate someone’s daughter.
This multitude of words are dedicated to you my dearest of friends. You who many legs have parted at the sound of our footsteps. With you who I share many happy memories from teenage days to today. Am not good with spoken words in times of crisis but am good at writing them and I know you read all my articles and you are reading this now. I know more than anyone what your journey has been all about and I won’t judge you at any point. I know its crazy and it will get crazier. I know tough decisions will have to be made, tough love spoken, tears shed but in the long run a decision made. Whatever it is that you decide, as your dedicated wingman since days at mamlaka residences I’ll be here. When all fails I’ll always be here in crisis and in merry. We will traverse all this and soon it will be gone with the wind like a bad fart. Then we can go back to dealing with Kinoti for he is yet to premier seasons and episodes of various crisis’ and he’ll need us.