sometimes we want to give up, give up on trying to look for the things we thought we deserved. we wanna throw our hands in the air and say that we do not care, that nothing makes better sense apart from being a loner. and we all have a “her” or a “him” a fiction of some sort, a human that exists yet we can hardly touch them. so vibrant in our thoughts we tend to think our imagination is real.
so today he shares his story he writes about “her”, a fragment of his imagination:
i have written and re- written this long post over a dozen times.it has actually been the hardest to write.It is supposed to coincide with my birthday, October 15th and maybe it did.
Missing her has been more of a journey since i left home on the 19th of May and i feel like it was just the other evening,her smell still lingers, a smell that i can never erase from my memory.Her smile still plays in my head like it is on repeat mode.A mode that i will never turn off. Her voice echoes in my mind, an echo i will never be able to silence. her kiss lingers on my lips, so fresh and crisp as if we just kissed. Her beauty is painted in unforgettable memories that shuffle against my mind daily. Memories that i will forever hang on like a leech. our lovemaking i’ll never find words to correctly explain, for the chemistry is so explosive it is indescribable. Have you ever touched a star?can you imagine the feeling of touching one? You tremble at the very thought of the feeling. The excitement shreds and tears you apart in smithereens. Yes, that is the word. Our love making tears the very fabric of me to my core. So damn explosive. Would such a feeling ever be forgettable?
This sounds like a closure with her. it is not it is just a closure with my sojourns, when a new year begins. am still stuck in this shit hole of a place miles from home. I would have loved mother to send me her signature birthday cakes, i would have loved to hear my son sing to me a birthday song in his mandarin language that only him, God and grandma can understand.And having dinner with her would have capped the day in more ways than i can imagine. but no! it has been shitty as usual just a different day altogether. but i will celebrate once am home, just a weekend at watamu, i do owe myself that. you don’t turn 30 everyday.Since the last week of September things have been tough. Events culminating on the first week of this month. She says she’s working through some personal problems and I have no choice but to believe her. In my line of work, if you wanna stay sane you have to cast your fears aside, you have to learn to trust implicitly. You’ll doubt, you’ll question and eventually you’ll snap and once you down that road you never come back up for air. You drown in sorrow because shit there is jerk and all you can do when you doubt is going crazy. I have my moments of doubt too. Like the, eve to my birthday:So many questions ran through my mind and i Start believing in my intuition that actually there is something amiss about the whole excuses thing. Something doesn’t add up. Thoughts that ate into me till I fell into a troubled sleep. But I woke up and ate brown rolls with them thoughts cause I can’t do shit with them and I don’t wanna snap.Is this me complaining about things I haven’t complained before? No. This is me expressing myself in a way I know how to best. By writing,friends say I type faster than I speak when am texting her but I always tell them its the chemistry they’ll never understand. Because when I write to her,words flow. I never lack words when am writing to her. They say I do 100 words a minute. I reply my speed is actually 120 words per minute. And its a fact. They smile. I Shake my head and I loose myself into words once more.Have you ever missed someone so much you actually reach out to touch them absent minded ? Its crazy. Right? But I’ve done that not once, twice or thrice and no am not crazy. Once again am too young for mathari shit. Yes I wish she called and just sang happy birthday for just 1 minute. Yes I wish her birthday sext could have been 5 words longer. I wish she asked me how it went at the doctors today. I miss the routine I had grown accustomed to. I miss being missed. I miss being loved.I don’t know what she’s going through at the moment but I thought best friends share about everything. Am not her BFF though. But am more of a best friend intimately or so I thought. I hope she snaps out of this abyss soon and our lives & routine can go back to normal. Today I never called. I decided to write. Not that I forgot to call. I figured out its better writing. I’ll have more to say. But honestly I didn’t want a repeat of last night. That shit is scary as fuck. Don’t want any nasty thoughts on my birthday. So sometimes its just better that you circumvent the devil in you.Whatever it is I wish Gods speed upon her and may she remember when all fails I’ll always be here. As usual her play list will lull me to sleep as usual. Today destiny’s child will be on repeat mode. Brown eyes specifically. It calms me down when my nerves are frayed. All her songs calm me down but this brown eyes song holds me by the balls and screams shhhhhh listen to the words you ass wipe.Midnight is fast approaching and I have to end this. WhatsApp should develop a word limit for people like me. I’ll send some few quotes together with this. They are self explanatory and she’s a smart girl though encrypted in her own ways she’ll decrypt the words. Hope we sort out our shit soon and I can begin another sojourn. Another journey. One filthy with words and sexual innuendo yet fulfilling at the same time. One that will always leave her thirsty and lusting for more. Can’t wait for her to come back from her journey to I don’t know where. The shadow of herself isn’t doing me justice at all!!!! Please note the exclamation marks.Cheers to a happy new year. Together hopefully. Cheers to a brand new writing journey. Happy birth day to me. I missed her, I miss her right now and come tomorrow I’ll wake up missing her the more.Koome Mwiti